I've lost the steam and motivation it takes to get through school. I really did have a reason once upon a time for being here. I was motivated by the idea of having a degree. Yes, I'm halfway through my last term and I should be chugging along full steam (the end is nigh, after all) but I'm finding myself lacking the energy to do my assignments.
Colin asked me some very smart and rather duh questions last night that got me thinking. (No he is not trying to sabotage me at all, he was just curious) He asked me simply this:
What will this degree do for me? What will I gain from it? What do I hope to accomplish?
I drew a blank. I used to think that a college degree would "mean" something. I would feel some kind of accomplishment at my success, but so far all I'm feeling is stress. I really used to think learning was fun. I used to LOVE cracking open a book and absorbing everything from poetry to science. I freaking used to read the dictionary to learn new words! But now, the mere thought of having another paper or another test is just too much to take. My hair is grey and I'm having panic attacks for no good reason! When did learning become less fun? Oh yeah, when I started college! Not that all my classes have sucked the life force from me, some have been swell. I really loved my Humanities classes and my grades really reflected that.
I really want to quit. I really want to chunk it and just self educate. I know it doesn't make me more "marketable" but it would be more my speed. I just hate tossing this time/money investment aside. My grades this term really are horrid and its because I just can't muster up anything resembling motivation. I really am at a loss as to what to do here. I am not really asking WHAT to do but simply for maybe a few suggestions? I know Colin would say do what I feel, and then simply state that he regrets not completing his degree and how annoying it is to avoid financial aid people the rest of his life.
I used to think that I would discover what I wanted to do with my life, after high school I was pretty much thrown into the workforce. I was told I couldn't qualify for financial aide due to my parent's income (which was most likely bull shit but oh well) and so went straight to work. Which was great, but I really had that one nagging regret (well more than just one but that was the biggest.) I just don't know what I want to do, even at 28 I have no idea what type of career I would like. I don't have a clue what I would even be good at! I'm lost, I feel like my brain is mushed up and my heart is just not into it anymore. I really am not sure where I'm going with this anymore either. I guess I'll sleep on it and try to push through? I only have like 4 more weeks left of this then I'm done.
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